My son is convinced that if his bedroom lamp is turned off at night tiny little purple guys will come out to get him. I have no idea where he is getting this from, but something he has heard, read, watched or was told, has his four-year-old world absolutely convinced that his imagination is truth. So much so, that no matter how many times I tell him they are not there, no matter how many times I flip over his mattress to prove that to him, and no matter how many times I teach him to pray that Jesus would help him not to be afraid, every night before bed is a fight.
I wish he could believe that these purple guys are merely a figment of his imagination, but this is his journey. All I can do is patiently wait for his little heart and head to connect (in his own time and way) the truthful words I have spoken with the truth I have taught him to believe. Until this happens, he will only ever see purple guys.
I am currently getting ready to launch my worship album – something I recorded in 2010. Only a handful of people have known about this endeavour and I chose it that way because the less people that knew, the less complicated it would be – or so was the lie I convinced myself to believe.
The real truth is that, the less people who knew, the less people there were asking me about it, therefore, the less people there were aware if it failed. I have been sitting on this album totally unwilling to release it because I have been petrified of what’s going to happen when I do release it. Petrified of the comparison from the industry. Petrified that friends and family will think I’m a bad wife and mother for pursuing something for myself rather than learning to bake and be content with being a stay-at-home mom. Mostly, petrified that no one will like it and support it and that the substantial financial risk my husband has taken all because he believes in me will completely go to waste. Investing in a worship album isn’t exactly the same thing as investing in real estate, as we’ve been (involuntarily) advised on more than one occasion.
These are my purple guys. And no matter how many times God has used scripture to tell me otherwise, there they remain… tucked under my bed, embedded in my imagination as truth, etched into every fibre of my heart and mind, inevitably controlling my decisions and actions.
Two weeks ago during my morning devotions I finally ‘heard’ what God has been trying to tell me for years: “Until your heart and head connect the truth of my words with the truth I have revealed to you, you will only ever see your crippling fear as truth. You have been so focused on what the purple guys are going to do to you, that it has been impossible for you to see what I can do through you.”
So I’ve decided to step out afraid. I have no idea where this journey is going to take me, but my life exists for the furtherance of HIS Kingdom, so it’s not exactly for me to figure out anyway, now is it?
“Lord, Use Me” launches October 5, 2013, and as I move forward I will be telling my purple guys THIS truth:
Serve only the Lord your God and fear him alone. Obey his commands, listen to his voice, and cling to him.
~Deuteronomy 13:4 (NLT)