Ever find yourself haunted by your past? Ugh. It happened to me this weekend.
Suddenly, without warning, my heart started racing as my mind flooded back to the many failures and stupid things I’ve done in my past. I just sat there stewing in my self-loathing unable to shake the shame and defeat I felt as the snot fell and the hot tears ran down my face.
If only I…
I wish I didn’t…
Why did I have…
What if I never…
Who was I…
It was horrible. I felt terrible about myself. And I felt so alone.
Truth is, I feel self-loathing a lot. Anyone who knows me knows I’m really hard on myself. It’s something I’m working on, but still, it’s a major struggle. I have a hard time believing I’m worthy, or likeable, or loveable, or forgivable, or that God could use me, and I’m currently on a major journey to correct the negative talk that goes on in my mind.
I realize this devotional might not be something a lot of you are struggling with, and that’s okay. But during my weekend wallowing, I felt the Lord prompt my heart to write about this struggle and share it because I believe it is for someone.
What He revealed to me is what I believe He wants to reveal to you:
You have never done, nor will you ever do, anything to make Him love you more or less.
He does not extend love, mercy, grace and forgiveness because of who we are, but because of who He is…. and He is perfect, unwavering and unconditional.
This is mind blowing and heart messing, but true.
He accepts us without strings attached.
He uses us despite our weaknesses.
He calls us regardless of age, ethnicity, sex, skill or education level.
And He created us in His image, not the image of our past.
Despite what people may think about you and in spite of what you may believe about yourself, you can’t make Him like or love you more or less.
You can’t push Him away, and you can’t draw Him any closer because you are His. Period. It’s as plain and simple, and as humbling and beautiful as that.
He thinks your worthy, likeable, loveable, forgivable, and He has a great plan for your life.
Interestingly enough, as soon as these words floated through my heart to re-correct the negative self-talk that was happening in my brain, my heart started racing for entirely different reasons.
It was wonderful. I felt at peace with myself. And I no longer felt alone.
Because that’s what He does. That’s who He is. And in Him, that’s who we are – past, present and future.
”But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8